Having a child is a blessing. Each stage is wonderful and comes with its own set of challenges. People have coined terms like the terrible twos, threenagers, effing fours, fantastic fives, sassy sixes and many more. The truth is, each child is different.

I always wondered why people said the twos were terrible, as my child was pretty good at two, with a a few tantrums. The thing is, at two they are not fully talking and do not know how to tell you what they need, so they have tantrums because they are frustrated and trying to tell you they need something. This is not much different from an infant that cries when they are hungry, tired or poopy. However, three and four were a different story. All of the sudden I had this child who knew how to use the word no, and used it often. We were at such a loss for what to do with our child when he was three and four years of age. We tried to reason with him, yelled, counted, put him in timeout, put his toys in timeout, and took things away like watching TV. Nothing seemed to work long term. It was stressful.

What we did find, was that we needed to be consistent. So, we started making sure, we were both using the same punishment and consistent language. We also tried to experiment with new things. Instead of timeout by the front door, we moved it to his room. He hated this, which means it was more impactful. We also stopped talking to him when he was in timeout as that is what he wanted, attention, good or bad did not matter. He did not want to be alone in timeout.

In addition to the things mentioned above, my sister-in-law, who has four kids and two grandkids told me that she used to use a reward system. She would have two jars, a good and a bad jar. The bad would be filled with marbles. When her kids were good, did something great, had a good day at school etc, they could move a marble from the bad jar to the good jar. When all the marbles were in the good jar, they could pick out a toy. However, when they were acting up, they had to move a marble back from the good to the bad jar. This worked wonders for our son.

My son is now five, and although he feels like he is independent and can tell us what and when he is doing things, he is much better behaved and when he is not, it is easier to correct him because five year old’s understand things much better than toddlers. Kids younger than five are still figuring out right from wrong and how to express themselves.

So, here are my tips if you have a child who is going through a phase of not listening and acting out:

• Know this is normal and there is nothing wrong with your child

• Be consistent in your language and punishments

• Make sure if you have a partner that you agree on the things that are right and wrong, you do not want to give mixed messages

• Make sure your child understands what they are doing wrong and being corrected for

• Give positive and negative reinforcement. Your child should understand when they are doing the right things so they continue to do them, this is as important as correcting them when they have made a bad choice

• Don’t tell your child they are bad. Say things like, they are not listening or they are making bad choices. You do not want them to feel like they are overall a bad kid

• If punishments are not working, try something different – marbles, sticker charts, toy timeouts. My friend told me that she whispers to her children and that seems to work. I won’t tell you what she whispers! lol

Being a parent is wonderful, but can really be stressful and challenging as well. Know that every child acts out as it is a normal part of childhood. You are not doing anything wrong. Also, know that all children are different, so what works for your friend’s child may not work for yours.